SUICIDE WHISPERS 2

He looks at me with teary eyes
His voice is softer and weaker
Please don't leave me he begs
I know I don't deserve you
But I won't stop working
Till I am worthy of you
I believe and love him so I stay

She looks at me with angry eyes
Her voice is calm but laced with fire
Her finger is pointing and accusing
Do you still see that boy she says
I try to say no with my mouth
But my eyes betrays me and says yes
She looks at me like dirt and says
I have warned you to stay away
That boy will lead you to your grave.

So now I am torn into two side
Two demons constantly battle in me
Love is patient, kind and forgives
I chose to forgive but i am not happy
Is it a crime to love someone

She tells me to go and he says stay
My head hurts and my heart bleeds
If I leave the pain will be too great
If I stay and I have no peace
I have cried till my eye dried up
She says i should leave like its easy

I can't bare the pain anymore
Maybe death will end this fight
Yes when I die they will let me be
But I will haunt them from my grave
I will show they the pain they caused me
I will pull sleep from their eyes
The way they pulled mine
I will make them cry
The way they made me cry
All I do is love but yet they make me hate
I want to have peace is that so hard
I think its better I leave this world
Its better I die and rest in peace.

SUICIDE WHISPERS

Suicide whispers

I can feel it in my very being
I can feel the pain seeping in

I thought i have fought it off
I thought I was very tough

But it is back with full force
Threathening to throw me off course

I wake everyday with the sun
And lay at night with a burn

I need help loudly I cry
I need it fast before I die

The tears keeps falling from my eyes
I feel my whole world turning cold as ice

I feel myself slipping from humanity
I need to end this grave insanity

A wicked voice whispers in my ear
Take your life dear have no fear

For I bet you the pain will be severe
Take up a knife and at your wrist sever

© KOKO JEMIMA

BOOK REVIEW : THE FISHERMAN

Hey guys I just finished another book " The fisherman" by Chigozie Obioma.
Its a very tragic tale about a family and the events that tore them apart.
The first four children all boys were how brothers are supposed to be , friends,  Ikenna , Boja,  Obembe and Ben.  They were each others bestfriends,  they ate together,  shared the same hobbies and looked out for each other.
Ikenna was the oldest brother and he was their leader always strong,  always sacrificing always there for his brothers and they in turn loved and adored him.

Circumstances lead them to become fishermen and there they met " Abulu " a prophesying mad man who was said to have raped his own mother and killed his brother.
Despite warnings not to listen to Abulu,  Ikenna listened to the mad man and he prophesied that Ikenna will be killed by a fisherman ie by one of his brothers.

Ikenna changed towards his brothers out of fear, he lost his heart, his courage and his relationships . His brother tried to bring him back but the Ikenna they knew was already gone.  He had planted a seed of fear and paranoia nutured it until it grew in a tree and bore many fruits.

At the end Abulu's prophecy takes its toll on the family with Boja being the most unfortunate victim,  what actually killed Ikenna was FEAR.  Ikenna was always strong and resilient but the time when his brothers needed him to be strong the most he let them down.
Fear can impair one in so many ways,  it does nothing but bring on pain, regret and agony , it leaves us with "what if" questions that would never be answered.

PUNU

Ok,  I wrote a poem and I tried to rhyme don't laugh at me joor.

Punu was the name of my pup
I watched him grow to a beautiful dog

It followed me everywhere I would go
Its brown face always with a glow

Punu would always lick my face
He would walk behind me with a steady pace

I love my dearest dog punu
He was always with me from night to noon

One day my dearest punu had rabies
He was really sick and going crazy

We have to kill punu my child
Said my mom he is now too wild

I wont let another kill my dog
I decided to do it myself in the bog

My hands shook as i held the gun
It felt like he knew what was wrong

With tears in my eyes I killed my friend
His eyes showed me love till the end

Comment below

SICK........ Part 1

I had a problem, a ginormous problem which threatened to consume me. It was like an inoperable carcinoma , highly metastatic  , spreading rapidly through me and invading my entire being.
I used to fear that there was no cure for my condition, I didnt even meet doctors to tell them about my condition , I was scared they could have no cure for my illness but let me say the truth, I wasn't sure I wanted to be cured.
My illness started when I was thirteen years old, It was the long holiday, my mother had travelled to Dubai to do some shopping and my Dad as usual was travelling from state to state as regards his job as a journalist,my three other siblings where always in school. I was usually home with my Aunt Debby and recently a distant relative Ojomo came to join us. Ojomo recently started a polytechnic not far from where we lived so he stayed with us.
Ojomo and I hardly spoke, he wasn't my mate Aunt Debby made it clear and I was to maintain my lane according to her.
One day I had come back from summer school early and Aunt Debby wasn't around, I went into Ojomon's room to ask where she was and there I saw him, his eyes were closed his mouth opened in pleasure, a girl was in between his legs, his third leg was in her mouth , they didn't even notice I was there, Ojomo looked like he was going into convulsions.
I ran to my room and I was confused, what where they doing!! , why was Ojomo shouting so loudly, I was determined to find out.
When everyone was asleep I crept into the living room and took the house laptop into my room. I was only meant to use it for school activities but I was curious , my brother had taught me how to browse with Google so I typed " Mouth on Penis " different porn sites came up and I kept browsing through and through a hunger developed all of a sudden, I wanted to know how it felt like, I wanted to know how it tasted.
I won't dare try it with Ojomo, he may refuse and report me to my parents.  I decided to meet Tope, he was the most spoilt person in secondary school , times without number he was caught under the staircase romancing a girl . We were told to avoid him.
I wrote him a letter telling him to meet me behind an uncompleted building in school , I thought he wouldn't come but he did, I told him what I wanted he was shocked but obliged, Tope was a grown man down there and at first I was scared but I went for it, he was all moans and groans and that excited me, when it was over I asked him if he would come again the same time tomorrow and he was delighted.
After some meetings with Tope, he wanted to take it to the next level but I refused and I never schedule meetings with him again, he begged a lot but I was already bored of him , I was itching for another taste.
The head body was my next object of attraction, he had this swag that made girls swoon, he was neat, intelligent and cute, I started to plan how I would get to taste him, I planned for months I could barely sleep I was literally hungry for him.
During a holiday I got my chance, I went to his home to visit him in guise of borrowing his novels,he was three years my senior so he didn't mind, he liked the fact I wanted to read. One day I came to return some comics I borrowed and he was the only one home , I told him I had a surprise for him and asked him to close his eyes, he looked at me suspiciously but obliged, I went down on my knees fast and thankfully he wasn't wearing a belt, I pulled it out and put my mouth, he was shocked and tried to pull away but I was sucking like I had no choice and he caved in, I liked his taste, we continued for weeks until I got bored and tired of his taste.
At fifteen, I started going for parties organised my seniors, they all knew my gist, In a class of fifty boys I had tasted about thirty and even a young teacher I had a crush on. It became my obsession, I hunger for it , no man ever said no when I begged to taste them they enjoyed it, I could tell, they wanted more of me but I didn't want to do more than taste them, they pressured and pressured but I had made up my mind.

Fast forward to my university days, my days of shame . My obsession grew even more,  I would go to night class not to read but to taste guys I liked at first glance, I had no attachment to none of the guys I taste I didn't want any attachments, I would get bored and I wanted to enjoy different tastes of men.
I tasted my lecturers, the porters in my hostel, numerous guys in night class. I would be in different corners tasting away, sometimes I would ask them to bring friends and one after the other I would taste them all.

One day I met a man, a priest to be exact, Father Atohengbe,  I wasn't catholic or anything I barely even went to church, I knew if I go and I find the Minister attractive I would want to taste him so I avoided church.
The Reverend Father was my room mate's  brother and he was gorgeous, why he decided to go into the priesthood confused me, he had the face of a movie star and the voice of an angel . My roomie Omo would always sing his praise.  She would share reflections he wrote and all that, she would be listening to audios of him singing and soon my hunger started to build. Omo shared her brother's number with me, she told me he was great at counselling youths and he was the most understanding and truthful person she knew . She didn't know the trouble she was getting me into I didn't blame her.
I started talking to Father Ato and She was right, he understood youths so perfectly, his reflections where so deep and truthfully, it wasn't hard to fall in love with him. I HAD TO TASTE HIM even though he is a consecrated priest.

We became good friends and I couldn't bear my hunger, it was suffocating me, I couldn't taste anyone else I wanted Father Ato and him alone. I started cutting my skin but I felt no pain, the hunger to taste him was all I could feel.
I hatched a foolproof plan and It was sure to work. Father Ato lived in a parish house in a village quite distant from where I lived, I travelled to the village waited for hours at the bus stop and when late at night I went to the parish house.
My heart was in my mouth as I banged at the gate,  Father Ato walked out looking sleepy and confused, he looked so beautiful I was just staring dreamily. The first guy I fell in love with and he just had to be a priest, I was sick indeed.
He was confused asking me why I was here, I started crying telling him am on the run, a lesbian cult was after me and I didn't know where else to run, He was shocked but let me in and he served me some food and started making a lot of calls , from what I could hear he wanted to transfer me to a convent, I had to act fast and quick. I started crying profusely and Father Ato had to end his call and attend to me. He was moved by my tears and he tried to console me, I immediately went into his embrace soaking his shirt with my crocodile tears , I tried to deepen the embrace but he politely detached from me and said we should pray, I was red hot, I didn't want to pray I wanted to taste him and he was playing saint, I went crazy and attacked him, I went for his belt and tried to take of his trousers. A slap from him brought my senses back everywhere was dark for a few seconds and when the darkness cleared, I could see Father Ato face contorted with anger. His angelic voice turned to thunder as his bombarded me with questions of who sent me to him, He start praying rebuking me and thanking God for saving him. I sat down on the floor in shame and I started crying these were genuine tears I knew I was in trouble, I started to beg Father Ato, I told him no one had sent me but he told me to keep quiet or he would throw me out .
He walked out and went into a room in the house and locked the door. An hour later a car drove into the compound, Father Ato opened the door and welcomed the new guests, They were reverend Sisters, he spoke to them and they asked me to follow them. The ride was a quiet and uncomfortable one, when we got to the convent they showed me a room to sleep but I couldn't sleep. I had made a big mess of myself and I had no idea how to fix it.

In the early hours of the morning, a Nun came and asked me if I wanted to join them to pray, I didn't want to pray I was beyond redemption .

Hours later the head nun came to talk to me, she was a slender and elderly  woman beautiful in every way. She was so kind and nice to me, I didn't know when I told her everything , my weird habits, how it started and my obsession with Father Ato, she listened with out interrupting and asked me a simple question " DID YOU TAKE IT TO THE LORD IN PRAYER??!!. I burst into tears, I never prayed to God when it started, In fact I pushed him away years ago. She didn't judge me, we prayed for a while, read some scriptures and after four days with the Nuns, I went back to school.

I sent a text to Father Ato apologising for my behaviour, he called me almost immediately , he said all is forgiven and I shouldn't go back to the way I used to be. I promised I won't go back.

YOLA

There I was rummaging through the dustbin as usual looking for scraps of metal to sell to Baba Ajah, probably I would get enough money today to buy a little morsel for me and mama to eat.
Mama would have done it but she is now too old and she cannot see anymore. I can do anything for Mama she took me in when everyone turned their backs when my parents died. At a tender age of ten, I have had experiences worth a lifetime.
Mama and I lived in an old dilapidated house in a crowded area, she used to farm and sell to pay for my school fees until a cobra spat into her eyes in the farm and no family member came to help we were on our own. 
The farm was sold to pay for Mama's treatment and what does a child know about selling lands, I sold it for peanuts because I didn't want my Mama to die.
We managed for years and Mama always told me one thing " Ope don't ever steal " she made me promise her and I tried to live by it. I became a destitute searching for scraps in the trash and selling it, I saved hoping to buy a wheelbarrow so I could make some money from transporting goods in the market, presently I had saved four hundred naira.
Sometimes the hunger was so real, I would want to steal, I would see heaps of swollen cakes and would dream of sinking my teeth into the dough satisfying my hunger. I would hear a voice telling me to grab one and run, but Mama's instructions were clear in my head like a jingling bell in a graveyard so I complied with her.

I had this friend Yola, he was from Niger , we would move together searching for scraps and sell it, the difference between Yola and I was he saw nothing wrong in stealing, he was poor,homeless and he was like the Robinhood of street children, stealing from the women selling snacks and food and sharing it with other homeless kids, they adored him. He was our leader and big brother, his works were admirable but wrong I always tried to tell him but he would wave it off, a street kid has got to eat he would tell me.

One horrible day, a day I would never forget. I woke up that day with the usual rumble in my tummy, I went to greet mama and after a meal of soaked garri, I left the house to hustle.
I met Yola at the usual spot where we picked up scraps, we chatted away as we rummaged as usual through the rumble.
Two men approached us, we made to run but the men assured us that they were friends not foes and we believed. They offered us a job, very simple job. They would offer us five thousand naira each if we broke into a store, before we could object they claimed it was their store that they wanted to know if the store was burglary proof.
It was too good to be true , I immediately refused but Yola believed them, he said he would do it, I pulled him aside and told him not to, It didn't seem right , but Yola was adamant , " Do you know how much bread and garri we can buy for the street kids, we would have something better to eat for once " He said with his hazel coloured eyes bright with hope.
Yola wouldn't see reason so I left him, I wish I didn't.
The next day, I was up bright and early, I went to the market hoping to make little money from carrying the loads of market women to their shops. Two hours later the cries of thief thief filled the air, I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me to the direction of the cries. The thief was sprawling on the muddy ground with different men throwing blows at him.
I asked a bystander what had happened, she told me a young boy was caught breaking into a shop, stole thousands of naira from the shop of a goldsmiths and has refused to say where he had hidden the money.
Then I heard his voice,  it was laboured and filled with pain " I didn't do it " i didn't want to believe without seeing it with my own eyes, I crawled through the crowd and just as I feared the supposed thief was Yola and amongst the men lynching him were the two men who offered us a job. Confess they shouted at him where is the money you stole they hit him with sticks and my friend, Yola, was a bleeding messy pulp, he had been beaten morose he could barely speak anymore.
The owner of the goldsmiths shop arrived and was told by the two men that, Yola had broken in and stolen money and had refused to say were he had hidden the money. The man tried to talk to Yola but he wasn't responsive, He started shouting at the two men asking why they had beaten him so badly, they claimed they were trying to torture the truth from him. The man, Mr Sunday was a really nice man and tried to get Yola to a hospital despite chants from the crowd to burn him. Yola didn't make it to the hospital, he died on the dirty, muddy market floor in the pool of his own blood.
When they realized he was dead all the bystanders one after the other walked away.
We,  the children of the streets we came out of our hiding places and we carried our friend to our hide out there we cleaned his broken body and wore him the best clothes we could find,  it took us a long time but finally we were able to dig a grave deep enough for our friend,  we didn't have a coffin so we wrapped him with a clothe Mama gave to me.
For days the cries of the children of the street were heard , we had lost a brother, a friend and a hero........

TEEN BLUES......

BF in the library

Greg has this expression on his face, the cat that ate the canary expression. He beckoned me to a corner and asked me to come see something. I wondered what he was up to but I knew I would find out if I walked to him.
" Leki look at  what I found online " He was smiling from ear to ear urging me to look at his phone . First and foremost, we were in our third year in secondary school and our school law was very strict about the use of cell phones in school, if a senior even caught us with phone we may never see it again. But then again Greg was a sly fox, he could sell ice to an Eskimo.
I looked at what Greg was so excited about and I wish I didn't look , Immediately I took my eyes away from the phone screen and squeezed them shut.
Greg was laughing at me
" What eee haven't you seen BF before, jew man "
" Where did you get this"  I said trying my best not to look at the videos.
" Jew man, Internet now, it's so easy to find , Look eeee no form joor "
I looked at the video one more time and I was hooked. Greg handed me the phone and I had a glimpse of the first twenty seconds of the video , I was feeling so many things at once. The footsteps of "Cobra" the nastiest teacher was heard and Greg grabbed the phone, shoved it in his trousers and started shouting
" Leki my eye ooh, something entered my eyes, blow it blow it "
I was confused but I complied, Cobra passed us and didn't even question was we were doing in the corner.

I couldn't sleep that night flashes of the movie kept sleep at bay, the lady walks in the room half naked and the white guy completely naked reaches for her, bends her over a table and.......... Cobra interrupts , I needed to watch more of the video .
The next day after assembly, I asked Greg for his phone, he told me he would answer me during break time.
Classes were a blur I wasn't concentrating one bit, I was fantasising about the video, I even had to place a bag on my laps because I felt my guy growing a bit and the feeling was overwhelming.

Break time came and Greg took me to the library. It was empty at that point in time, students barely used it anyway. He instructed me to be careful and discrete, he handed me an earpiece and asked me if I wanted vaseline. I asked what I would use vaseline for , he laughed and told me to enjoy myself.
Alone at last , I chose a very secluded part of the library, It smelt of old books and dust but it was a bit private. The librarian was a snoozing old man so I knew I won't be disturbed. I brought out the phone and tried to connect the earpiece but I had a premonition of Mr Ghost our physical health education teacher creeping up on me, it was nearly impossible to hear his footsteps, he could sit by you for ten minutes and you won't realise until his cane touches your skin.
So I put Greg's phone on mute and started to watch the video. It felt sinfully good, But I felt I would enjoy it more with the sounds, she opened her mouth a lot and I wanted to know the sounds she made. I connected the earpiece, increased the volume to the highest and click on play. The cool and calm atmosphere of the library was distorted by the cries and moans of " Yes, Yes, Harder, harder " I tried to switch it off but I panicked and  got confused, It continued and I nearly tore the phone apart before the video stopped playing , when the noise stopped, I picked up my books and ran out of the library .
The library wasn't  as empty as I thought it was , apparently a class had a library day and they were watching me run out like a man with his pants on fire.
Immediately I got to class, I returned Greg's phone telling him what had happened in the library. 
" You didn't fix the ear piece well " he cried but the damage was done. We prayed no one paid attention to me.

The rest of break time was uneventful and when it was over , Mrs Johnson our social studies teacher walked in . About ten minutes into the class , a second year student walked in and spoke to the teacher in low tunes , my heart was in my throat and I couldn't breathe .When they had finished speaking. She pointed at me and told me to follow the boy that my attention was needed in the staff room. I nearly wet myself, I looked at Greg and he put the index finger of his left hand to his lips and I didn't need to shout Ehhhhhhnnnnnn to get the message.

As I followed the boy to the staff room my feet felt like tree stumps, I wanted to poo and pee at the same time, I could feel my bowels and bladder fighting with their contents. The fear was so raw I could taste it in my mouth.

When I got to the staff room, Cobra, the snoozing librarian and a teacher we called baby King Kong were there sitting in a semicircle
Cobra told the boy who brought me to leave.
" Epa Odion is this the boy "
" Yes oh, it's him "
Cobra assessed me with bloodshot eyes and brought out his famous eight foot long cane.
I was definitely going to pee my pants.
" What's your name son "
" Leki " I almost choked
" Leki, I have some questions for you, If you answer correctly, I would be merciful , are you ready? "
I nodded, it was the weakest nod in the history of nods
" Did you come to the library today "
I thought carefully then answered
" Yes sir "
" Ok, next question were you watching illicit movies in the library "
I started stammering, the cane landed on my back with full force.
I had to bite my lips to hold back the tears .
He repeated the question and I said no, more lashes landed on me.
They never got to the second question because I kept saying no and the more I said no the more lashes I received.
My parents were called  to school that evening by the Principal. The librarian recollected how he was doing some paper works when he heard a video sound and he even described it to the disgust of my parents, ending with the fact that he saw me running out of the library a few seconds after the video sounds were heard. My Dad was breathing fire and brimstones and my mom as usual burst into tears asking me where she had gone wrong in training me.
When we got home, my father locked the both of us in his study, my mom had to call the neighbours to help break the door so my Father won't kill me that night, good thing they did my thirteen year old body wouldn't have been able to take my father's anger.
I went to school the next day a changed man and it wasn't because I was wearing an inner layer of bruises but my psychology that changed , now I can't look at anything illicit be it bikini models or whatever, Greg tried to show me another video, I almost beat him up reminding him that I almost died trying to cover up his black behind.
I had learnt my lesson, never again will I watch porn ever in my life.